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| THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO HELLSING |
| by Loyal Integra Fanboy |
| THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO HELLSING “Ford, where are we now?” said the befuddled man in a dressing gown. “Damned improbability leak. Zarquon.” Swore his companion, a loudly-dressed man with a battered brown satchel. They were in a room built out of stone, dimly lit by flickering candles. There was a huge block of cheese, about six feet long and three feet tall, just next to them. “Ford, why won’t you answer me?” Insisted the gowned man, whose befuddlement was upgraded to astonishment at the sight of the cheese. Ford noticed his companion’s expression. “Arthur, we’ve been travelling the galaxy, and you’ve seen things that have amazed and astonished even the biggest of minds, yet still a six foot by three block of cheese stops you on your tracks.” “Well, I just wasn’t prepared for it, that’s all.” “Just be quiet a minute, will you? Anyway, it’s probably a side effect of the improbability leak.” “Ah,” said Arthur, pretending to have a clue what Ford was saying. “I’m sorry, Arthur, I don’t think there’s going to be any chance of getting back to the Heart of Gold. We’ll just have to see where we are for now.” “Well, I can’t say I’m too keen on sticking around here. This place feels like a dungeon.” “It probably is. Let me just check my Sub-ether…” he pulled an intricate looking device from his satchel, which made some intricate noises, then produced an intricate read-out on it’s intricate screen. Ford’s mouth gaped open. “Ford?” said Arthur, “Ford? I don’t like it when you do that. Where are we?” Ford put the device back in his satchel, and calmly looked at Arthur. After a monumental pause, he said, “I don’t know.” Normally Arthur would yell and make a fuss about all that stuff on the screen told him nothing, but instead he said nothing and huffed. “There’s a door, Ford.” “Well, lets use it then, dumdum!” They turned and went to the door, but Arthur stopped Ford in his tracks. “Did you hear that?” he said. “Yeah…” said Ford, “it sounded like someone saying ‘did you hear that?’ to me” “Very droll, Ford. You know, Christmas cracker companies pay people for jokes. You’d get about five pence for that one. But seriously, it sounded like the it was coming from that block of cheese!” “Oh really, Arthur, I think you’ve gone a bit space-crazy. Talking cheese? Now that is absurd!” “Mmmm mm mmmm!” came a muffled sound. And indeed, it was from the humongous block of cheese. “There it is again!” said Arthur triumphantly. “Belgium!” exclaimed Ford. They approached the cheese cautiously. “Hello?” Arthur uttered. Suddenly a slender fist punched out from within the cheese block. It was followed by a young woman with red hair, and a mouthful of cheese. Arthur and Ford jumped back in surprise. “Bloody Hell!” she said, spitting out the cheese. “Bloody Hell!” she yelled again upon sight of Arthur and Ford. “Who are you and what the Hell are you doing here?” she demanded. Ford raised his towel in a defensive position. “Uhh, sorry to bother you, said Arthur, but would you be so kind as to tell me where we are?” The girl leapt out of bed, grabbed a gun from her drawer, and pointed it at the hitchhikers. “You’re in my bedroom, that’s where you are. And what did you do to my coffin?” “Coffin?” Arthur was exasperated. “Did you say coffin?” “Coffin?” said the girl, “Erm, no, I said… bed. What did you do to my bed?” “I distinctly heard ‘coffin.’” Said Arthur, indignant. “Me too.” Said Ford quickly from behind his towel. “Coffin, bed, it’s all the bloody same. Look, I’m the one with the gun, here, and - ” “Safety’s off.” Said Ford, again, quickly. “What?” she looked at the gun. Bugger, he was right. “thanks…” she said sheepishly as she flicked it off. “Anyway,” she went mean again, “I’m the one with the gun, so I’ll ask the questions.” “Everyone says that to us,” said Arthur, bored. “Fine by me!” said Ford, quaking behind the towel. “Shut up!” yelled the girl. “What did you do to my bed?” “We don’t know!” said Ford, “It just happened when we arrived here!” “Arrived here?” “Yes,” said Arthur, bravely, “we arrived here by mistake, it happens a lot. So please, could you tell us where we are, and if possible, how to get out of here?” “So you’re not here to attack us then?” “Attack?” said Arthur. “Why, is that what you would like us to do?” “Huh?” “Please, lower your gun,” said Arthur, who had grown accustomed to seeing all manner of firearms from all over the galaxy, being pointed at him. “What is your name?” “Why aren’t you scared?” the girl insisted, pointing the gun a little harder, if one could do such a thing. What had comforted Arthur, ironically, was the sight of the girl’s gun. He recognised it instantly as a Glock, because he’d seen it in the movies. He was on Earth. “This is Earth, isn’t it?” Arthur said. Ford peered out from the towel. “Earth? Are you sure?” “What kind of a question is that?” The girl lowered the gun. These guys were too crazy for her. “Of course it’s bloody Earth.” Arthur ran to the girl and wrapped his arms around her. “Oh, thank God,” he said jubilantly, “Earth! At last.” Ford relaxed, and put his towel away. “but this isn’t Earth. The Sub-etha would have said so.” “Ford, you heard the girl yourself, this is Earth!” “Zarquon! Stuck here again!” Ford kicked the cheese. “You fellas are mad. I’m taking you to Integra.” Said the girl. “Integra? Who’s that?” said Arthur. “My boss. And boy, is she going to get a bundle of kicks from seeing you two.” “So what’s your name? I’m Arthur, and this is Ford.” The girl rolled her eyes and sighed. “My name is Seras.” TO BE CONTINUED...
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